Food-based dictatorship.

A cake that makes your friends go “woah”

A cake that makes your friends go “woah”

Ever since the Great British Bake-Off, amateur bakers all over the UK have started setting themselves impossibly high standards. No longer satisfied with normal cakes, everyone suddenly started making three-tiered cakes, tuiles and other such stuff. I escaped this madness by the grace of not owning a television, so I’m still totally cool with not being able to make mille-feuille or croquembouche.

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The companions that saved my hungry ass

Because China’s so fucking big, train trips tend to last a fair bit, and Chinese people invariably bring shittonnes of food with them. In general, Chinese people seem to travel with as much as they can possibly carry, but half of all their luggage seemed to be food designated for the trip. The most popular item was undoubtedly pot noodles, but apart from pot noodles people brought on fruit,…

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Every day is barbecue day when you’re in China

Every day is barbecue day when you’re in China

One of my favourite things about my trip in China were the ubiquitous barbecues. From about 5pm until around midnight, you’ll find barbecues on every other street corner (and long after midnight you’ll still find some scattered here and there, although much fewer). They look a bit like this, usually:

barbecue guy in Jilin

Long and thin, perfectly sized to put all your skewers shoulder to shoulder whilst preventing…

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The Chinese delicacies I promised are here

The Chinese delicacies I promised are here

Ní hào, and welcome back! I hope you all had a lovely summer. I sure did. In China. Where I was. Which was awesome.

If you’ve ever been to China, you’ll know that there’s no way to explain this beautiful but strange country. If you want to share some of my feelings, check out this video. It was the number one hit while I was in China, which meant that you heard it in every shop, taxi and bar. It…

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Goodbye to the dictatress, hello to the queen

Goodbye to the dictatress, hello to the queen

Hello, and thanks for stopping by to wave me off! This is the last you’ll hear from me for a few weeks – tomorrow I’m off to China for a month. The next update, which I hope will be full of Chinese delicacies, will be on the 8th of September. I’m kinda nervous for tomorrow – I speak about two words of Mandarin and I don’t even think I pronounce those two correctly, which essentially means I…

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The Parisian scoop that wasn’t

The Parisian scoop that wasn’t

Things don’t always turn out as you hoped, planned or wished. You might plan to have that left-over stir-fry for lunch, only to discover your flatmate got to it drunk the night before. You might want to use the last of that mozzarella for pizza tonight, until you realise that mould has made a home of it long ago. And maybe one day, like me, you will decide to finally put that melon baller to use,…

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Italian for beginners

Italian has a bunch of boobytraps to trick unsuspecting foreigners like myself into making massive twats out of themselves. For instance, a lot of words will come in twin pairs: one masculine version, often ending in -o, and one feminine version, often ending in -a. The words will be identical except for the final vowel and they’ll have a completely different meaning, which means that, at times,…

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My exciting new boring adult life

My exciting new boring adult life

Since last September I’ve been a serious adult with a job. I’m really enjoying it, I have to say. It’s nice to have money to spend that’s actually yours and not your parents’ or student loans’. It’s nice to tell people “I’m a teacher” rather than “I’m a student”, which in reality only ever meant “I’m on the dole and pissing about until I figure out what to do with my life”. (That last part is…

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And the Lord spoketh, “go forth, and copulate with thouself, for my wrath is upon thee”

And the Lord spoketh, “go forth, and copulate with thouself, for my wrath is upon thee”

Isaiah 24:3 And the lord saith, “Let there be a deluge, and let my aqueous fury pour down unto Turin, and let it smite the Turinese, for they have roused my anger.

Isaiah 24:4 And the lord senteth down his liquid anger onto the people of Turin, and they cried, “Behold, this summer is surely a ruin, for we have kindled the wrath of the lord.”

Isaiah 24:5 And the Lord sent forth his legion of…

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"I was such a loser before my rise to dictatorship"

“I was such a loser before my rise to dictatorship”

You know how you always think that the you of a few years back was such a loser? Like when you look at pictures of yourself from ten years ago, and you think “Oh God, did I actually wear that shit?” or “How did I not realise I looked like a massive twat with that hair?”. I always feel that this phenomenon is even worse when it applies to intellectual and creative endeavours. Try reading the…

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