La Dittatrice

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Italian for beginners

Italian has a bunch of boobytraps to trick unsuspecting foreigners like myself into making massive twats out of themselves. For instance, a lot of words will come in twin pairs: one masculine version, often ending in -o, and one feminine version, often ending in -a. The words will be identical except for the final vowel and they’ll have a completely different meaning, which means that, at times,…

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My exciting new boring adult life

My exciting new boring adult life

Since last September I’ve been a serious adult with a job. I’m really enjoying it, I have to say. It’s nice to have money to spend that’s actually yours and not your parents’ or student loans’. It’s nice to tell people “I’m a teacher” rather than “I’m a student”, which in reality only ever meant “I’m on the dole and pissing about until I figure out what to do with my life”. (That last part is…

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And the Lord spoketh, “go forth, and copulate with thouself, for my wrath is upon thee”

And the Lord spoketh, “go forth, and copulate with thouself, for my wrath is upon thee”

Isaiah 24:3 And the lord saith, “Let there be a deluge, and let my aqueous fury pour down unto Turin, and let it smite the Turinese, for they have roused my anger.

Isaiah 24:4 And the lord senteth down his liquid anger onto the people of Turin, and they cried, “Behold, this summer is surely a ruin, for we have kindled the wrath of the lord.”

Isaiah 24:5 And the Lord sent forth his legion of…

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"I was such a loser before my rise to dictatorship"

“I was such a loser before my rise to dictatorship”

You know how you always think that the you of a few years back was such a loser? Like when you look at pictures of yourself from ten years ago, and you think “Oh God, did I actually wear that shit?” or “How did I not realise I looked like a massive twat with that hair?”. I always feel that this phenomenon is even worse when it applies to intellectual and creative endeavours. Try reading the…

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The divination rites of San Giovanni

The divination rites of San Giovanni

Sometimes the Catholics come up with some pretty good stuff. For instance, patron saints. San Giovanni is Turin’s patron saint, and yesterday was his holiday, which meant that the whole city got the day off and at night there was a bunch of fireworks. It also meant that all nubile girls could finally find out more about their future marriages. I don’t know about you guys, but I was certainly…

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What to do with a kilo of cherries when eating them raw is not a viable option

What to do with a kilo of cherries when eating them raw is not a viable option

Here is an interesting fact about Turin: Turin is the only city in Italy that has a market in every single quartiere (or neighbourhood)! So I’ve been told, at least. I’m inclined to believe it, because there is in fact an astounding number of markets in this city, in all kinds of shapes and sizes, although of course I cannot vouch for the absence of markets in every single quartiereof other…

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Interesting finds at the local antique market

Interesting finds at the local antique market

When you go to any random town in Italy, there’s a good chance you’ll stumble upon a random antiques market at some point. At these antique markets, much like at all antique markets in the world, you will find many things that are in fact not antique at all, but of fairly recent production. You will also find things that, although age-wise they might be deemed ‘antique’, aren’t in fact antiquesbe…

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I think before my days are done, I want to be a fisher(wo)man

I think before my days are done, I want to be a fisher(wo)man

The nice season has arrived, and that means two things for us pale city dwellers here in Turin: 1) we have to deal with occasional random hailstorms that come out of goddamn nowhere and that destroy everything in their path, and 2) we go to the beach at the weekend. Well, Blenderman and I do, because we pressure our friends with camper vans or seaside apartments into taking us. “Chinese Water…

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Why I (don’t) like Italy

Why I (don’t) like Italy

One of the minor annoyances in my day-to-day life here in Italy, are Italians asking me what I think of Italy or of Italians. God, yeah, let me just give you an analysis of an entire country and its population in a couple of sentences, no biggie. The question is meaningless, because the answer that I can give you in the time provided is inevitably meaningless, too. “Nice. I like it/them.” Usually…

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Dirty hippy camper breakfast

Dirty hippy camper breakfast

My dreams of becoming a dirty hippy are finally materialising. I wrote about being invited on trips with Blenderman and his friends a while ago, and last weekend was one of the more memorable occasions of me tagging along. On this particular occasion, I was invited to spend the weekend in Liguria, one of my favourite regions in Italy, in a camper van! This was my first time in a camper van and I…

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